


i don't know why - c.hw × l.mh

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Burns, Cheating, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Exploitation, Gay Sex, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Smoking, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 00:51:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17152214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: I just don't get it baby... Don't know why I keep on crushing on you babe, save my loving for you babe, keep on seeing you, needing you like I do. No one makes me this mad. No one gets me this turned on, but no one makes me this sad...Baby, I don't know why I keep on falling for you babe, keep on callin' on you babe, keep on seeing you needing you like I do... No one else has your touch, no one else has your problem, and no one else makes me loved like you...In which Minhyuk is dating a manipulative asshole but he also has nowhere to go.Song: I Don't Know Why - Jude Demorest





	i don't know why - c.hw × l.mh

The first time he did it, I accepted it. He was drunk and probably thought I was trying to hurt him. I thought nothing of it and just helped get him ready for bed. And the next day, he was suffering a miserable hangover. So, he slept all day. And I was there, giving him plenty of water and ibuprofen. "Thank you, baby," he said. "I'm sorry I drank so much. I really shouldn't have downed so many sho-" And he stopped.

"What?" I asked.

That man threw himself to sit up in bed like lightning. "Who did this to you? What happened?" He asked. He grabbed my face and examined my cheek carefully.

I put my hand over his. "You did..." His eyes widened in horror. "You were freaking out last night and hit me when you were flailing your arms."

He melted into tears. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." I wiped his tears away.

"I know. Lay back down and go to sleep. It's okay." I closed the blinds before leaving the room. That was the beginning of it all. I said it was okay. And I never stopped. Even when it clearly wasn't okay.

The worst part of it all? I had no one and nowhere else to go to. He never let me forget that. Every time I tried to leave, he'd say, "No one else wants you around. Your family hates you, you have no friends and you know damn well you don't have any money. The moment you leave, I'll lock you out. Don't be a stupid bitch." And I thoroughly believed he was right. And I was stuck.

When he began cheating on me, I couldn't say I was surprised. I just don't understand why he didn't let me go. Kihyun had everything I didn't. Money, college student, ambition. I was just a high school drop out, riddled with anxiety and depression and fear of failure. 

Kihyun was also my best friend. He'd always talk about the amazing man he was with. And I sat there and listened and supported him. Even though I wanted to grab him and yell at him, "That amazing man comes home to me and sleeps with me at the end of the day and Chae Hyungwon is a synonym for danger. Run."

Since he is my best friend, Kihyun doesn't withhold any of his sex life information from me. His sexual escapades with my boyfriend are often heard from him and from Hyungwon's phone or computer. I know my moans from anyone else's. When I wake up to the sound of Hyungwon getting off next to me, no regard for how loud his phone can be, I just keep my eyes closed.

My favorite story is when Hyungwon calls Kihyun into his office. It starts with that call and a locked door. And it progresses with Kihyun being a whipped whore for him. And it ends with Kihyun being a mess, Hyungwon acting as if he didn't get there at all. "Min, when I tell you no one has ever made me cum like that before, I mean it. I mean, he just knows every part of me. He finds more and it becomes his new favorite. We need to find you a man to cater to your body the way that man does to me." That story will never not be my favorite. It was that moment in which I realized that Hyungwon has never once taken pride in me, and in return, I'd never taken pride in him. I guess I never told Kihyun because I wanted one good thing in my life to stay around. The moment I talk highly of someone, they begin to disappoint me. I hadn't even talked highly of Hyungwon and he was disappointing me. I suppose I was born to be disappointed.

I had never smoked anything in my life until I endured Hyungwon. It started with one cigarette that I'd stolen from him. And it just progressed. I wasn't up to packs a day status, one pack lasted me a week. Why is this significant? Besides the clear overall bad stigma of cigarettes, it brought a new found curiosity of mine. Fire. I always found myself with my lighter, even without a cigarette. I ran through lighters quicker than I ran threw cigarettes. I found peace in burning myself. It hurt more than what Hyungwon could do to me. I did it to remind myself that what he was doing didn't really hurt me that bad. I'd instantly give myself first degree burns. I never held it to my skin for longer than a second. Luckily, Hyungwon never knew.

Now, everytime he touches me, I flinch ever so slightly. And he chuckles, wrapping his arms around me. "You think I'm gonna hurt you, baby?" The short answer? Yes. The long answer? Fuck yes. When he holds me close, I just let him do what he wants. I got good at faking everything except my natural reaction to stimulation. Physically, sexually, he felt so good and was amazing at what he did. Emotionally, mentally, he was cruel and awful with what he'd do. I didn't want this anymore, but I had nowhere to go. He was my saving grace and I just had to take his antics with a grain of salt.


End file.
